Just Another Ordinary Day
by KittyLover44
Summary: As Summer changes to a cold, windy Autumn, Mary Anne must face some harsh realities and make some decisions for herself. Prequel to Coffee and Cigarettes. Oneshot, but part 1 of 4 stories.


**Disclaimer: **I still don't own any BSC characters. This reads as if the "_Friends Forever_" series doesn't exist.

This is a prequel to "_Coffee and Cigarettes_", due to popular demand.

**Just Another Ordinary Day**

I can't help but notice the first signs of Autumn as I walk home from school that day. The wind is blowing slightly, just enough to coax the leaves gently down from the trees. I shiver slightly and wrap my white cardigan more tightly around myself.

"Are you okay, Mary Anne? Can't have my pussycat freezing on me, can I?" asks my boyfriend, Logan Bruno. He leans in closer and puts his arms around my shoulders. I snuggle into him, the gesture saying more than words could. Even though it makes walking a little more difficult, I don't mind. Logan using his special nickname for me makes me melt, and takes my mind off of the cold weather for the moment.

I know that I'm so lucky to have Logan as my boyfriend. Sure he's tall with blue eyes and blonde hair, and he's the leading quarterback for our school, Stoneybrook High's football team. But the main thing is that he's the sweetest, most caring guy in the world. Logan could have any girl in school for a girlfriend, but he chose _me_. It makes a girl feel special, especially when said girl isn't really anything special herself.

"Sorry, my car should be out of the shop tomorrow. It's just getting a service today. Then no more freezing for us!" Logan says with relief in his voice.

I instantly feel guilty. I should have a car that we can take as a backup. Hell, at seventeen I should have my license at least. But my Dad has gone back into overprotective mode again, and he worries that something's going to happen to me if I start driving. Dad says that he won't be able to forgive himself if the car _he_ bought causes something to happen to me. I can't forget the jealousy I felt when Logan took me for a spin in his new Jeep on his seventeenth birthday.

Anyway.

I quickly distract Logan (and myself) from the subject by pulling away from him and pointing up ahead. "There's your house now anyway. Let the college applications begin!" I add a dramatic flourish with my arms as I finish talking, just to be silly.

It works, as Logan laughs. We reach his house and Logan unlocks the door, then gallantly holds it open for me to enter first. Logan's so chivalrous like that. We both enter and walk through to the kitchen, where we throw our backpacks down. We're lucky enough to have the house to ourselves today. Logan's dad is still at work, and his Mom has taken Kerry to soccer practice.

Logan and I make small talk about our day as he gets to work organizing snacks of biscuits and orange juice. I rifle through my backpack for a notebook and some pens. Always the organizer, I had made plans for the two of us to get together and work out our options for college next year. Sure, our senior year had started not long ago, but I like to stay on top of things like this. That's always been my nature, since I was secretary of the Baby-Sitters Club in the eighth grade, but lately I had become even more of a perfectionist. Dad has been putting pressure on me to "decide what I want to do with the rest of my life" (his words) and so I was determined to do just that.

Logan sets the bowl and glasses on the large wooden table takes a seat next to me. I am already writing feverishly, my cursive handwriting stretching halfway down the page.

Logan looks over my shoulder. "What have you got so far?" he asks, reaching for a biscuit. I stop writing and do the same, letting Logan see what I've written down.

Logan stops chewing and reads out loud. "Virginia State. Pros - great sports program. Offers scholarships. Football team. Cons – far from family and friends. Mass U. Pros – Successful football team. Huge gym. Renowned writing and teaching classes as backup if sports fall through…"

Logan stops short and lets his eyes scan the rest of the half page that I've filled. He gives me a questioning look. "Well, this is all useful for me. But what about you? I still don't know where you're applying, or what you want to major in."

I continue chewing my biscuit and grab the page back to add another thing that I've forgotten for the Virginia State's 'Pro's' column. "Well, I haven't decided on a major yet. But the college is a given. I'm going to go to whatever college you go to, and work it out from there."

Logan sets down the glass he's been drinking from and gives me a strange look. "Really? What about where you want to go?"

"That's not important. I mean, I'm not passionate about anything. I've never shown aptitude toward anything in my life, so it's not like I'm planning around anything in particular. The main thing is that we focus on your football career, as a couple," I say. I reach for another biscuit.

"That's a nice thought, Mary Anne. But there must be something special that you've been planning for. I mean, don't you have your own goals and aspirations that don't revolve around me?" Logan's words hit me like a ton of bricks and I drop my biscuit, letting the crumbs scatter across the table. I'm no longer hungry.

"Well, I just assumed that we'd stay together as a couple, and we'd plan around your scholarships, and your future." _Because I don't have one, _I silently add. "Isn't that what you've always assumed?"

"Well… no," says Logan slowly. He appears confused. "I naturally assumed that you'd want to do your own thing."

My eyes fill with tears. "Are you breaking up with me?" I ask. "Is that where this is going?"

"No!" Logan says. "Mary Anne, I still love you. I just worry that you seem too focused on me, when you should be more concerned about yourself. Haven't you ever envisioned yourself going off to college and forging your own destiny? Forget what I say and what your father's trying to make you do, and just make your decision based on what _you_ want to do."

Logan wipes away a tear that's slowly trailing down my cheek. I try to gather my thoughts. "I don't know what I want to do with my life. I've always had someone to tell me what to do. Dad, Kristy, Dawn..." _You_, I think, but don't say it aloud.

"Tell you what. Why don't you go home now and think about it yourself, before your Dad and Sharon get home?" Logan asks. I nod and get to my feet, giving Logan a kiss and grabbing my backpack before leaving.

I enter my house, set down my bag and retrieve Tigger from his regular place in front of the windowsill. I carry him upstairs to my room and hug him to me. This still doesn't feel like my room, despite having lived here for over three years now. It feels like every time I call someplace home, something happens to it. Death, remarriage, fire… the complete unpredictability of life is the scariest thought of all. There is no such thing as control.

The only constant in my life now is Logan. I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't there. I'd sacrifice anything necessary to stay with him forever.

I put my head down next to Tigger's furry body and close my eyes, trying to think of what's made me the happiest in life. As my mind relaxes, it hits me. In the ninth grade, before the BSC members started drifting apart and spending time with other people, Stacey and I took a trip to New York for a few nights. She was there to see her Dad and I was basically escaping for the weekend.

One night I wanted to give Stacey and her Dad some alone time, so I stayed in the apartment while they went out to dinner. It was Summer, and the humid weather gave way to rainy skies. I sat on the balcony and felt the warmth on my skin and the rain on my face. As I looked out at the city skyscape, with the buildings lit up and the promise of life, I realized... _this is what I want out of life._ Not just on vacation, but every day.

I want to go to New York University.

The rest of the night passes by, and I find myself at school the next day. Logan and I usually sit together in the cafeteria, just us, and today was no exception. Sometimes I notice Logan longingly looking toward the table where the rest of the football team sits, but I know he'll always sit with me because otherwise I'll be alone. The other members of the ex-BSC had gradually made other friends after the BSC disbanded in the ninth grade.

Abby had decided to go to Stoneybrook Day, Kristy's hung out with the jocks since making the varsity girls softball team, and Claudia's been hanging out with an alternative, artsy-type group that wear a lot of black and listen to heavy metal music. Stacey had shot to popularity seemingly overnight, and now sits with girls like Shawna Riverson and Dorianne Wallingford. We all still talk when we see each other, but don't go out of our way to do so.

And me? I'm still shy, quiet, unpopular Mary Anne. Still the target of Cokie's cruel jibes, and still the mouse of SHS. In fact, I think I've actually gotten _shyer. _At least in the eighth grade, I had the courage to approach Dawn and make a new friend. Now, I've managed to crawl into my shell even more than ever before. Being unconfident will do that to you. I just feel like I have no interests, nothing to offer. I'm so lucky that Logan puts up with me.

I grab my lunch tray and take it to my regular table. I'm sitting there on my own when Kristy walks past. She stops when she sees the big smile on my face. "What's up with you?"

I pick at the mystery meat on my plate, willing Kristy not to say anything gross. "I've decided where I'm going to college," I say triumphantly. "New York!"

Kristy smiles. "Good for you," she answers. Claudia sees us talking and also stops.

"What's up?" She asks.

"We're just talking about college. Mary Anne's going to New York. I'm going to whatever college will give me a softball scholarship. I'm hoping to get into high school gym teaching, and Watson's offered to pay for half if I make up the other half. Well, he offered to pay for the whole tuition, but that's not fair. I'll be an adult next year. I should be able to contribute to my own education," Kristy answers.

"You're so lucky that your parents are offering to help out at all. Ever since I showed my parents application forms for art and fashion schools, they've refused to back me. They say that they'll only pay my way if I apply to a _proper_ school. They paid Janine's whole way!" Claudia exhales in frustration, her black bangs almost jumping off of her forehead.

A fourth voice joins the conversation. Stacey. "You're going to hate me then. My Dad's going to pay my whole way through school. I'm going to major in Economics and minor in fashion design, so that I can hopefully open a boutique somewhere."

As my friends keep talking, I watch them like it's a ping-pong game. Here I was feeling great for choosing a school, when my friends have their whole lives planned out. Suddenly, I have no appetite. I push my tray away from me, once again feeling inferior to those around me.

It's a long rest of the day, especially since I skipped lunch. I had a test in Math, which didn't help. I'm feeling down as I'm walking home from school, especially since the weather is even colder again. Spring has always been my favorite season, with the promise of warm weather and holidays to come in Summer.

But then I realize that in a year I'll be getting out of Stoneybrook, and I find myself smiling again.

- - - -

The rest of the month passes like a blur, and now Autumn is in full swing. I'm out of Summer mode, with tests and assignments making the previous vacation seem like a distant memory. Not much else has changed. Cokie is still trying to make my life miserable, but now I just smile at her. Because I have two things she doesn't; applications to go to NYU all ready to be sent off, and _Logan. _Those are the only two things I need to make me happy.

Despite this, I can't help but feel a little down. Nothing really significant, I've just been having a little trouble eating and sleeping lately. Maybe it's because nothing really exciting is happening in my life at the moment. I've been through these phases before, and usually I find something to occupy myself. Since it first happened in the eighth grade, I've either volunteered in the library or thrown myself into baby-sitting. Maybe I'll look into one of those ideas.

On Friday, I'm getting ready for a date with Logan. We're not celebrating anything, just spending a bit of time together since we've both been snowed under with homework over the past fortnight. I decide to wear a skirt, since I'll be stuck wearing pants every day once Winter sets in. I select a black one from my wardrobe and slide it over my hips. To my surprise, it slides right back off again.

I step out of the skirt and examine myself in the full length mirror in the corner of my room. I didn't realize how much weight I'd lost by not eating as much lately. Now I could understand why a few girls at school had commended me on my weight loss. Though as I examine my body more closely, I realize that I still have a little way to go. Sure, the size four skirt is too loose. But with my short stature, I know that my ideal weight is more a size two or even zero.

I make a mental note to watch what I eat more closely. Starting tonight; I can't afford to lose Logan. At dinner, I push my dinner around my plate and only pick at bits of salad when I can see that Logan is eying me from across the table. Luckily Logan doesn't say anything, because I don't want to go into the weight issue. The last thing I need is to draw attention to any more of my imperfections.

Logan drives us back to his house and we make small talk with his parents and younger siblings. Then we get to the part of the night that I used to love, but now dread; just the two of us, alone in his room. I usually have no problem with fooling around with Logan, because I trust him completely with my body. We've never gone the whole way, but only because Logan knows that I want that time to be special. I'm sure that when the time is right, he'll plan something appropriate.

Tonight was different to all of our regular nights.

It starts off the same. Logan closes the door, flicks off the lights and puts a DVD in the player. He puts his pajamas on and gives me one of his shirts to wear, which obviously covers most of my body. We climb into his bed and start making out, then it begins to go further. As Logan goes to pull the shirt over my head, I pull away abruptly. _I can't let him see me like this. _

Logan forgets about what we were doing and sits up in bed. He turns to me, confused. "Is something wrong?" he asks, and I shake my head silently, unable to voice what I really feel.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" Logan asks, and again I shake my head.

"Well, did I do anything wrong?" Logan is a patient guy, but I can tell by his tone of voice that I'm testing him. I realize that I can't hide anything from him, so I take a deep breath, and explain my feelings toward my body as best I can.

When I'm finished, Logan is looking just as confused as before I started talking. He goes through the motions of trying to convince me that I'm beautiful enough, thin enough, _good enough. _I thank him but tell him through my tears that he doesn't understand. Logan doesn't reply, and there is an awkward silence in which I change back into my own clothes and leave. Without a word, without a kiss goodbye. I run through the family room, ignoring the Bruno's calls to me. I need to be alone with these new, scary thoughts.

When I get home, I am relieved to find that Sharon and Dad are asleep. I flop into bed with Tigger without even bothering to take off my clothes, and cry myself to sleep.

The next morning, I'm baby-sitting for Lucy Newton while her Mom takes Jamie… somewhere. I can't remember; my memory has been so bad lately. Lucy decides to go outside and play in the pile of leaves that her brother had raked that morning. I'm sitting outside on the porch step, shivering into my jacket._ When did it get so cold?_

I'd just drifted off into a fantasy about New York when Lucy stops playing and sits down next to me.

"Mary Anne, how old are you?" She asks out of the blue. I'm not surprised by the question. Claudia usually sits for the Newtons, so it's been awhile since the kids have seen me.

"Seventeen," I answer.

"Wow!" Lucy's eyes light up. "Do you have a car?"

"No," I say honestly. "Usually when I need a ride, my boyfriend will take me where I need to go."

"A _boyfriend!_" Lucy says excitedly. "What does he look like?"

"Do you remember Logan from when the Baby-Sitters Club was together? Tall, blonde hair, blue eyes," I reply.

"Kind of…" Lucy's voice trails off as she tries to remember. It has been a while since she's seen Logan. He hasn't done any baby-sitting since we started the ninth grade, and even in the BSC days he didn't get many jobs for the Newtons.

"He sounds _really _cute," Lucy continues.

"Lucy!" I exclaim, more in surprise than anything else. When I see Lucy, I still see the cute little four-year-old the BSC used to sit for. I can't believe how fast kids grow up these days.

"Do you have a job?" Lucy persists with the questions.

"I do some volunteer work for the library," I say," but I haven't had time lately since I've been busy with school."

"What grade are you in?"

"Senior year, so twelfth grade."

"Are you going to college next year?"

I tell Lucy about my plans to go to New York, even though I don't know what I want to be 'when I grow up' (her words, not mine.) When I'm finished talking, Lucy stares at me with an expression that I can only describe as awe.

"What's up?" I ask her.

"You're so lucky, Mary Anne," Lucy replies, her eyes shining. "You're seventeen, you've got a boyfriend, a job, and soon you're going to be living in _New York. _When I'm in grade twelve, I want to be just like you!"

I thank Lucy and give her a hug, but inside I'm cringing. Why would anyone aspire to be like me? My life is a mess. I don't have a license or a job. My only confidant is my boyfriend, who I'm hanging onto by a thread. I'm fat and ugly and have no real flair for anything, only fit to be a hanger-on to some guy for the rest of my life.

I pity anyone who wants to grow into me.

The next day is Sunday, and so far it's been a normal day. I pull Sharon's cell phone out of the fruit basket and put it on the kitchen bench, where she'll find it easily tomorrow. I sit down to dinner with Sharon and Dad, when he starts on his usual line of questioning about college. For once, I'm happy about this because it gives me an excuse not to eat. Also, I've got answers for him. Ones that don't revolve around Logan, at that.

I tell Dad and Sharon about New York, and while I'm talking I see the pair exchanging wary glances with each other. I finish talking, and Dad clears his throat.

"Mary Anne," Dad says slowly. "I don't like the idea of you going to New York."

And so it begins.

As I push my food around my plate listlessly, Dad lists all the reasons why I shouldn't go. The high crime rates, the expense and danger of living on my own. The fact that it's unnecessary for me to go when there are closer schools here. The two of them will miss me too much. I haven't picked a major yet, so how can I be confident that NYU is the best school? Won't I miss all of my friends and family? Plus, I haven't looked well lately, so they should keep me nearby to watch over me.

I listen, surprised that I haven't anticipated this. How could I think a man who won't even let me learn to drive, would let me live on my own in a foreign, dangerous place? But the clincher is that Sharon hasn't said a word to take my side, like she normally does when Dad's being unreasonable. Instead she has the same concerned look as Dad, and she's nodding in agreement at everything he's saying.

I take a deep breath.

And then I explode. I finally break apart the façade I've so carefully constructed for myself, shattering pieces that can never be put back together in quite the same way.

"How dare you? Don't you realize that this is my life? I'm going to be eighteen next year! An _adult. _Not that I have any friends anymore, but if I did, they would be planning to _go away to college_. Everyone else in my grade is! Now I have to feel even worse about myself because I'm the only seventeen year old whose parents don't think she's ready to go away to school!" I push my plate away angrily, the food forgotten.

"Do you realize that thinking about leaving this town is the only thing that keeps me going at the moment? It's my motivation for doing well in school, for just _living life_. I'm a _nobody _here in Stoneybrook! I've got a reputation for being a weepy, pathetic person. I want to reinvent myself, to be somebody, _anybody _different! Someone I can be proud of, someone _you _can be proud of. Not just Richard's daughter or Logan's girlfriend, but _my own person._ For God's sake, is that too much to ask? _How long do I need to wait until my life gets better?"_

I feel like these words aren't coming out of my mouth. As if I'm having some sort of out-of-body experience, where I'm watching this outburst from outside of myself.

Dad and Sharon exchange glances again, this time looks of surprise. Dad speaks first.

"Mary Anne, I don't care how angry – "

Sharon quickly cuts him off. "Sweetheart, we're only doing what's best for you. If you need to talk to someone…"

This time, I'm the one to interrupt. I utter through my tears,"If I go to a school here, can I at least get my license?"

Dad shakes his head. "Why? There are so many buses – "

I can't hear any more. I rise from my chair and start running for my room, still sobbing. Halfway up the stairs, a thought hits me and I turn back around. "I don't think it's fair that years later, I still get punished for Dawn and Jeff leaving you," I scream to Sharon. I can see her eyes well up, but I don't care. If it wasn't for them leaving, my parents wouldn't be so desperate to keep me here at any cost.

Sharon sticks her head in my room later, but I pretend to be asleep. I can't face either of them at the moment. Eventually I do actually nod off, until I wake up for school the next morning.

I think about the events of the previous night, and realize something. When I don't have Sharon on my side, it is _impossible_ to change Dad's mind about anything. For some reason, he never listens to me or respects my opinions. He did try for a brief period when I was thirteen, but as time goes on, Dad's attitude toward me is getting worse. I think that Dad's just afraid of losing me as I grow older.

I'm resigned to my fate; living in Stoneybrook, at home forever, getting buses everywhere. Living with people who have no respect for me as an adult while the Cokie Mason's of this world leave for bigger and better things.

I decide not to bother going to school that day. I know that both Dad and Sharon have already left the house today, Dad for a business trip to Boston and Sharon for an early meeting. There's nobody here to notice that I'm still home. Besides, what's the point? Only Logan will miss me, but he has his football buddies. I'm sure that he'd rather sit with them at lunch anyway. I have a test in English, but it doesn't matter if I get a failing grade. There's no point in trying to get straight A's if I've got nothing to aim for.

I spend most of the day in bed, not doing anything. I try to read but find myself scanning the same line over and over, unable to concentrate. I put some music on but don't hear a single lyric or beat. I do get up twice. The first time is for my morning weigh-in. The second is to scour the Positions Wanted section of our local paper. I realize that for anything I'd like to do, or am even qualified to do, I need a license.

No license means no job. No job means no money. No money means I can't get out of here. Not getting out of here means that nothing will ever change. It's official; I have nothing in my life to look forward to. It's just a huge, black hole of nothingness.

Sometime mid-afternoon, the phone rings. I glance at the clock radio beside my bed. It's around the time that Logan would be getting home from school. I don't answer the call, nor do I return it.

When Sharon gets home, I sit down to dinner with her. I haven't been able to eat all day and now is no exception, but I go through the motions of spearing food with my fork and moving it around my plate. Sharon makes small talk with me, about her day at work and how her meeting was boring, and the long lines at the grocery store. It's as if the previous night's meal didn't happen, and my parents had never dropped the bomb that had ruined my life.

After dinner (in which Sharon doesn't mention my not eating or my just-gotten-out-of-bed appearance), I make the excuse of homework and hurry off to my room. I actually attempt some homework, just for the sake of doing something. I try reading and watching TV and even cleaning out my drawers, but nothing holds my attention. Standing in the middle of all the items I've emptied out of my wardrobe, I realize that there's only one thing I need to do.

By now it's late and dark outside, but I don't care. I climb out of my window, something I've never done before. Luckily (or perhaps unluckily) I don't kill, or even hurt myself. I walk the streets of Stoneybrook, not fearing for my safety. I almost wish that something untoward would happen to me, and then my parents would feel guilty for driving me to this. I just feel a complete numbness to my own mortality or even wellbeing.

I'm not living anymore; just existing.

I walk so slowly that by the time I reach the desired house, it's a lot later. I know that all of the occupants are asleep, so I pick up a rock and throw it at the appropriate window. I feel like a character out of a movie. For once, I don't feel like myself; I'm pretending that I'm someone different, someone superior and braver than who I really am.

In seconds, the front door opens. I walk through and drop onto the couch, into his arms. I don't explain, but no words are needed between us. For so long I've been living a lie, trying to keep it all together under a thin mask of happiness and capability. But now I finally let it all out and sob, sob out every bit of heartache and pain, every _emotion_ that I'm feeling. He doesn't seem confused by this scene, as anybody else would. He's realizing that for me, this is just another ordinary day.

Maybe it's not all bad. It _is_ hard to wake up and get out of bed every morning when you know that you have no future, nothing to look forward to. Knowing that it may be someone else's decision but you have no way of fighting it when there's no one there to support you. But, for now at least, I still have _something_. Somebody; Logan. On nights like these, if feels like I have a little ray of sunshine, a diamond in the rough that is my life.

As long as Logan stays with me, everything just _might_ turn out okay.

_**A/N: **__Once again, everything in this story is autobiographical. Every emotion felt, every plot twist; all mine. Some things were changed slightly or exaggerated, and it was out of chronological order, but it's all from the memories of my last six years. _

_Thank you so much to all of you who reviewed "Coffee and Cigarettes". I was so touched and overwhelmed by all of the positive feedback it got, that I decided I owed you guys something. That's how this story came about. I'm going to make it into a 4-part series of oneshots. I can't promise how quickly I'll have them written, but do watch out for them! _


End file.
